"A Few Good "Appraisers"? You Can't HANDLE the value!

If they ever make a movie about appraisers and loan officers, maybe we'll find these modified lines from the movie "A Few Good Men"?  . . .

Value? You can't handle the value!

You want answers?  I think I'm entitled.

You want answers?  I want the truth!

You can't handle the truth!

You f'in people. You have no idea how to read an appraisal report. All your pressure does is weaken the underwriting process. That's all it does. You put people's mortgages in danger. Sweet dreams, son.

Son, we live in a market that has walls and those walls have to be valued by appraisers with clipboards. Who's going to do it? YOU?!

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You weep for the "turnaround time" and curse the certified appraiser. You have that luxury.

You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that while tragic, an appraisal delivered a few days past due probably saves your loan.

And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, protects you.

You don't want the REAL value. But deep down, in places you won't talk about at parties, you want me on that appraisal request. You need me on that request.

We use words like FIRREA, USPAP, FANNIE MAE.  We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending our opinions of value. YOU use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my adjustments to a man who rises and sleeps under the very opinion of value that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it.

I would rather you just say thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest YOU pick up a measuring tape and walk with a clipboard. Either way, I don't give a damn what value you think you're entitled to!

Lender: "Did you hit the targeted minimum value?"

Appraiser: "I did the job I was hired to do."

Lender: "Did you hit the targeted minimum value?"

Appraiser: "You're damn right I did!"

Edited from numerous "unknown" authors